Loved

Today, I am struggling. I think I'd be quite happy to just enjoy the summer. It is expected to be clear and in the high 80s today. But I have this weight of the job search on my mind. It's kind of like a guilt feeling that stops me from enjoying my day. It also has that suffocating feeling that saps my energy. I don't feel depressed (although that's likely what others would say based on my 'symptoms').

I've been thinking about this and why I am struggling with it at all. Why not just get on with the business of getting the job? I know what to do. Cruise the job boards and see what's happening. Review my contacts and pick some that I want to meet with to discuss my search. Follow up on leads from last week. Get my new business cards done and get moving!

Yet, my desires are to not do that. They are all around me - eat something yummy, have sex, play drums, pet the dog or cat. I seem to be avoiding the job search. What do I really want?

As I look inside, I believe there are two deep needs. First, I am looking to be loved - unconditionally, deeply, truly loved. For me that means total acceptance. I am who I am and that's good!

Don't misunderstand me, I have people in my life who love me - most prominently my wife Lynda. She comes as close as humanly possible to that deep unconditional acceptance, support and love that I am talking about. But she is not here all the time. And, just basking in her love will not pay the bills.

That brings up my second deep need - to be gainfully employed. This has several sub-components: I need something to say to folks who ask "what are you doing now"?; I need to be contributing to the household; I need to be contributing towards retirement, building that nest egg; I need to have something that prevents me from just frittering away countless hours tweaking some feature on my computer or reading about interesting but not very important things on the internet. (Some call it adult onset attention deficit disorder.)

With regards to the first need, I realize that this is the primal deep need we all have for God's love. Too bad so many religions don't see that. It would change the world if everyone understood their deep need to be loved by the living, transcendent God.

As I further reflect on this, I begin to see a way out. One way I perceive God's love for me is in His actions - things that I see He has given or done for me, undeservedly. Lynda being top on that list!

God becomes real to me when I see answers to prayer. Of course I've prayed that God would provide a job. I've even prayed that it be to His glory and it was OK if it wasn't exactly what I thought I wanted. I'd trust Him no matter what. And it's OK if I have to struggle to find it.

In fact, I've been pretty proud of the way I've been giving God tons of freedom in how he could answer this prayer. Well now, pride, huh. However, it isn't pure pride. I'm also genuine in my trust and resolute in my faith. Both of these are good I think.

Now I see how to tie the two together. I am praying that God would demonstrate his love and acceptance for me by enabling me to find a job.

There, now I've put it in witting. A permanent record. One I can go back to later and remember, when God answers it, that He does love me and this is His sign to me.

Ok, now, on to the job search!