Reflection on diminishing function due to old age

Many of us have watched our parents or older loved ones go through the last stages of life with some consternation. I have watched my dad, Lynda's parents and many others go from happy, functioning members of society to be bed ridden and having to have someone dress and feed them before they die.

In many cases, this process takes years. At first those around them start to notice them slipping - either mentally or physically. Usually at this stage, they talk among themselves to try to confirm if they are all seeing the same thing.  As it progresses, the limitations start to become more pronounced and usually more limitations begin to appear. 

For example, we noticed that Lynda's mom, Nana - who had previously been meticulous about her medications - started missing her pills. She'd often put them in little Dixie cups and we'd find them laying around still with pills in them.  This started to happen more frequently to the point where Lynda would fill the cups each morning and then stop in at night to confirm that Nana had taken them. As time went on, it got to where Lynda would bring the cups to Nana since Nana would routinely forget about them. This is just one example of a specific limitation we saw. During this time, we noticed other lapses such as she'd forget to eat.  This, along with other mental difficulties just got worse over time until we had to choose to either move her into our house so we could take care of her or find an assisted living situation for her because we were convinced that she was no longer reliable about maintaining her body. Long story short, it was only a few years later that she finally passed away. During this long stretch, both her mental and physical capacity declined to the point where she couldn't even focus enough to watch TV.

This degradation process is very common. We've seen this in many other cases of friends parents and even friends we've known for years who we watched waste away. It's a very sad thing to see and as we get older, we are confronted with it more and more.

Over the years, I've struggled to understand why God allows this to happen or if this is even a part of his plan.

Here's what I think. 1: it's for the person who's going through, 2: it's for the those watching their loved ones go through this.

1. For the old person going through this, it's a chance to recognize that most of what we have or can do is not from us but from the Lord. As each capacity - be it physical or mental capabilities - is taken away from us, it's a new opportunity for us to recognize that we did not create ourselves. The abilities we have were gifts from God. We may have honed them and established them but we did not create them in the first place. They are gifts. And as gifts, they can be lost or taken away from us. They are not who we are.
2. For those watching someone progress through this, it's an opportunity to reflect and remember who that person is/was. I've noticed that in virtually all cases, those who watch their loved one loose capacity, they spend time reflecting on that person in ways that they very likely would not have done if it weren't for the loss.

 

Dell XPS 9710 17" Laptop

I've had this laptop for a few years and, now that it's out of warranty, I have a few things that annoy me. I've owned Dell laptops for over a decade and I usually buy Dell because of there support. With each new generation of laptop, I've had need of support and they've been very good.  I imagine many of the other mainstream manufacturers are good as well, I just happen to have a good experience with Dell.

When I bought the 9710, I was looking for a MacBook alternate. I'm fully comfortable with OSX but I have many programs that only run on Windows. Plus we have the Office Family Plan which gives us a huge (1 TB) online store for backups, pictures, etc.

At the time I bought the 9710, it was the best I could find.  As I said, I had previously bought Dell XP 16" laptop and had a good experience with it. I owned it for well over 5 years but when Windows 11 came out, the 16's hardware would not support windows 11. I knew I could (and have since) forced the upgrade to 11 but I also like the fingerprint scanner and the full windows Hello support.  Furthermore, they boasted a much faster startup time which was appealing. My experience with the MAC is you open it up and can almost immediately start to use it. That wasn't true of my XPS 16 (and, unfortunately, is also not true of the 9710).

Main problems with the 9710:

1. They changed the fan direction. It now sucks from the bottom and blows out the top. The problem with this is if you have the computer on a table w/ tablecloth, it sucks the tablecloth into the vents which makes the fans rev and chews up battery very quickly. Also, it get's loud.
2. In addition, the fan appears to be an independent system and runs even when the computer turns off. I've had many struggles with dead battery after shutting it down and putting it into my backpack. I regularly find I have a hot computer when I pull it out of the bag. So, not only is it annoying that the thing ran when it wasn't supposed to, but now my battery is basically dead.
   
3. The new quick start feature is still not working properly after many BIOS upgrades. Probably 1 in 5 times I open up the computer to a blank screen. I have no idea why and can find no cause. I either hold power and force a power down (which then boots to a diagnostics screen which I then bypass and reboot again to get it working) OR I can sometimes close the lid or press power to soft-cycle it and get it working.
4. The trackpad can be very erratic. It is inconsistent. Sometimes it works like a charm but sometimes it becomes so sensitive that even the palm of my hand being "near" the pad will send the cursor across the screen.  I checked online and many folks think this is a hardware problem.  Since it's out of warranty I can send it in (takes a week) and they can replace whatever in hopes that this will "fix" the problem. If this was the only problem, I might consider doing that. I also worry that I've cooked the motherboard so many times by putting it in my bag and going to work - only to find it's hot and out of battery when I get there - that this caused damage to the system.  Good luck convincing Dell that this is the case.

Regarding the "hot bag" issue, I did contact Dell support many times while the system was under warranty and they had me do tons of changes to the software to try to fix it. Then, during the pandemic, I was mostly at home plugged into dual monitors so it didn't matter. 

Perhaps because I wasn't using the laptop trackpad, I didn't notice the erratic problem, I really don't know. Or it could have started later. I only noticed it over the past year.  I carry a bluetooth mouse now.

Generally, I don't have any other complaints about the hardware. The screen is nice, I like the touchscreen. I do like Windows Hello and using the fingerprint scanner to login to websites.  The keyboard is fine and speakers sound pretty good to me.

My dilemma now is what to do next. I spent a ton of time researching this system and I paid a ton of money (close to $2500) for it. How do I avoid such a costly mistake in the future? I never found a site that showed the actual boot time from open the lid (not saying they are not out there, just that I didn't find one when researching). No one mentioned the fan direction until after I purchased. It was a new release. And the trackpad worked great until after the warranty expired.

I would seriously consider a MAC - not because they are "better", they have their own set of problems - but I'm not plugged into the Apple ecosystem and don't really want to convert everything over to that. Plus I don't know how my windows only software will run on the M3 with emulation.

Lastly, my computer needs are pretty simple now so it's hard to justify spending a great deal to "upgrade". I can live with being plugged into a monitor and/or using a mouse. And I know to literally shutdown the computer before I go anywhere with it. Or I leave the bag partially open to let it vent if the fans run with the lid closed.

 

I'll say it, some things about God are annoying!

Annoying. Those who know me know I use that term a lot. My dad used to say aggravation a lot. Everything aggravated him.  Guess I'm the same only I use the term Annoying. Lots of things annoy me.

In a long session of just sitting on my back porch after a 30 minute bike ride, I got to thinking about the church today and how relevant is it to today's generation. This generation is growing up in decidedly the most advanced and comfortable life ever in the history of humankind. In the Bay Area of California, where I live, I believe we are the most progressive, successful, comfortable, wealthy people of all time. We should be the most worry free. People from our past would have thought they entered heaven if they could be in our place.

Yet, our pain; our anxieties; our suffering - is as real to us as the pain suffering of any previous generation.

As I considered history, I thought that it must have been easier to witness to God's love and the future joys of heaven to people in the past whom (for the most part) had to literally work until they were tired virtually every day in order to just survive.  That can hardly be said of the majority of us today. Sure there are pockets of people who struggle to get enough food -- even here in the Bay Area. But that is hardly the norm.  In fact, the overwhelming majority of us have the ability to have vast amounts of unbelievably tasty food delivered to us, merely by pressing some buttons on our phone and asking for it.

But, as I said, our pains are just as real to us.  So, you'd think the messages of God's love and the future joys of heaven would still be compelling. Yet it doesn't seem that these messages are relevant to the world.

I considered why I felt that was the case. That's when I was again confronted with my feelings about how some aspects of God can be really annoying

Probably the big annoyance is that strong believing Christians can pray for things and these prayers go unanswered.  Consider calling a friend and asking to borrow something and having the phone go dead. That's how it often feels. Wouldn't that be annoying?

Secondly, why can't we have regular, undeniably real events that can only be attributed to by God's transcendent intervention into creation?  Seems that would be a great way to witness to the world.

It's no wonder that so many folks have turned elsewhere for their "religion". They've tried ours but it doesn't "work".

My history is one of those who discovered that praying to God doesn't work. As a young boy, I embraced the teaching of the church to give ones heart to God and relate to him in prayer. I did feel a closeness to him. But as I got older, I got bullied at school; parents and teachers would punish me for forgetting to do what they wanted me to do; and although I wanted to be included, I found that many times, those who could care less about God were the most popular and seemingly the most happy.

So, asked God why that was the case and got no answer. Eventually, in what is now an obviously idiotic approach, I decided that I would be anti-God -- sort of a way to get back to him. I guess I thought he'd show me that he was real by punishing me.

Eventually, I realized the ridiculousness of that approach. I remember realizing the absurdity of yelling at God: "You can't make me believe in you!"

Looking back, I now know that I had to come to God on his terms not mine. It is still kind of annoying but just because it's annoying doesn't make it not true.

God waited until I was ready to accept that he is in charge. Until I was ready to accept Him unconditionally. Ready to listen and learn about the real God -- not the god I wanted him to be.

Yet, even now, I'm one of those who is a card-carrying believer in Jesus Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. Committed to the truth of the Bible. And yet, I am also one of those who's prayers "don't work".  Even heartfelt prayers for the salvation of others; or bringing about relief of pain -- for the good of His kingdom, not for my own benefit. I'm not the one in pain. But healing someone, wouldn't that be a wonderful witness to His love, grace and power?

Nope. No response. Often after days and even longer of continuous prayer.

Annoying.

So, why do I bother? Why do I continue to hold to a faith like this?  Well, the truth is that I have experienced miracles. Sadly, a skeptical outside observer could come up with a plausible explanation of how these things occurred. But to me, they are miracles.  Miracles are like pain - each person has their own and you can't look at someone and say "yours is not real". We know how we feel.

All these things I thought while sitting on my back porch contemplating why the church is not relevant today.  And as often happens, I found myself asking God that question and asking him what we can do about it.  It was then that it occurred to me that I needed to tell people. That, for some crazy and not particularly efficient reason, God has always chosen people as his primary means of reaching other people. Witnessing. 

It was then that I decided I needed to write to my blog about it. Maybe someday someone will be encouraged by these to learn more about God. I kinda doubt it but here it is anyway.

May your journey lead you to a saving faith in the living God.

Why people don't get closer to God

Outline: story of Asimov and robots in his famous book I Robot. Basic concept being people cannot stand their depravity whereas closeness to God points out the contrast between his Perfection and there depravity. They get stuck at a certain point in exploring God because going deeper is uncomfortable.

Asimov's Laws of Robotics stated in the first law: robots can't do anything to harm humans or through inaction cause humans to come to harm. Two: robots will protect themselves except where it violates rule number 1. Story is of a robot that can get close to a crash site because of radioactivity that would harm him but as he moved away from the crash site the rule to protect and cause a human from being harmed overrides and so he runs in circles.

Same is true with God. As we get to know God and His Purity and his Perfection it highlights our depravity and we've become increasingly more uncomfortable with our own depravity. So, depending upon our tolerance for that, we may stop getting to know God because it becomes unbearable to see the depravity our own depravity compared to his perfection. 

Generally, I expect we all go through cycles of deeper awareness and have to pause at various points in the journey. Sometimes, people get stuck and won't go further - they cycle in that spot like the robots in Asimov's story.

This is an update/cleanup of a blog post I did via voice to text on 10/21/2016

Bathroom Behavior

Recently I am seeing more people on their phones in the restroom. And while I've been guilty of going to the bathroom while on a conference call with the phone muted,  these people are talking on their phones!

Is it a cultural thing? Maybe I am just a throw back to the puritan days and the rest of the world thinks it is OK to hear flushing and other bathroom noise during a call.

For me,  I don't hold back at all when someone is talking on the phone in the bathroom. If they are not quick with the mute,  I'm afraid the listening party will get an ear full. Not my problem.

I know I'll be even more distressed when they have unisex bathrooms. I already modify my behavior in front of women. I don't look forward to dealing with what to do when they are in the bathroom.

They say that change is good.  I say: not all changes are good.

Keep Reminiding me that God is not like people

Was contemplating today how much of my anxiety in life (which is also a good thing because it motivates me -- propels me even -- to be better) is due to the idea that I don't believe I meet other people's expectations. I'm acutely aware of how much better I could be in virtually every aspect of life.

It struck me that I assume that God is equally aware of and equally disappointed.

But is that really true?  What if God were really, truly OK with our performance when we "do our best".  What I mean by "best" is really what we are already doing. I don't mean the sort of best we could do if we were at our best. I'm constantly thinking of times when I achieved some level of competence that is above my normal and then I set that as what I expect my normal should be.  And I do that in virtually all aspects of life. 

Yes, I walk around in a dark, gloomy cloud of uncertainty and insecurity most of the time.  I've been like this all my life so it's not surprising or unexpected.  And I'm not sad/discouraged/depressed - at least not usually.  When I have moments where my head clears the cloud and I'm confident and feel competent, it's a really wonderful thing. Those times do happen and they are not infrequent.

What I realize is that all that introspection and self criticism does not accurately reflect what God actually things of me. In fact, I'm not really sure of what he thinks but if I think about what the Bible says I have to conclude that he does not feel about me the same as I feel about myself. To be more specific, I'd have to say that since he went ahead and gave his son (or another way to say it, he gave up his glory as the king of creation to limit himself to a human body and the subject that body to brutal torture -- all to open the door for us to approach him!)  Since he did that and the explanation we get is "For God so loved the world..."  wow.

The closest human analogy that I can draw is that of a parent to their young child. Of course we know we could do better than them but somehow we rejoice in even the tiniest little, simple things they do. We get goose bumps when they first utter our name!  I mean how ridiculous is that?

What if God feels the same about me?  What if he rejoices in those moments where I exceed myself but he is happy/proud of when I just do my normal best - despite that not being as good as it could/should be?

There's a lot more that could be said about this but I'm out of time so I need to go and slog my way through the work before me. It's OK. I'll be OK. God loves me. If I could only keep that thought in my brain....

Somebody please remind me that I wrote this when I'm back in the darkness.

AT&T is so messed up

We are long-time AT&T customers and have cellphones, (had) a home phone, still have internet and we were DirecTV customers. So when AT&T purchased DirecTV, we thought we should do the combined billing both to make it easier for us and we hoped we'd get a discount in the process.

Sadly, the discount was only $10/month but hey, that's better than nothing. Unfortunately, we are totally paying extra for this mistake. Since making that change, our billing has been mishandled and at this point, after at least 3 phone calls and several chat sessions, the amount we owe is unknown.

Conveniently, whenever I login to any of my AT&T services, I always get redirected to the same place. This page shows that we owe $376.53.  If I click "view paper bill", I see we owe $333.63.  If I go to history, I cannot find the payment we made to AT&T Uverse for $215.53.  Seriously, I have no idea how much I actually owe them.  Between the DirecTV deal and the combined billing, some of the bill says that the charges were not received in time.

As you can imagine, I've been on hold a bunch waiting for someone to come online. Interesting that no matter what time of day/night I call it's "higher than normal" wait times. Huh. You'd think they could hire someone in the roughly three weeks I've been dealing with this problem.

Pretty annoying how they continually tell me to go to the web to view and pay my bill. Not only did they make it hard for me to get to the point where I could wait on hold but now some automated voice continually comes online to tell me to go to the web. Of course I went to the web first! Who wants to wait on hold or talk to someone who's first language isn't English?

It's as if I'm being punished for being one of those who naturally go to the web and avoid using the phone.  After all, why would AT&T spend so much time trying to steer me to to the web unless there were, in fact, a ton of people who are not web savvy enough so they just call AT&T.

Clearly, AT&T does not have service in mind as they go FAR out of their way to avoid spending money on actual people to provide it.

And the fact that the billing is so messed up is also and indication of their lack of investment. They spent $49 BILLION (yes that's not a typo) on purchasing DirecTV. Obviously, they can't afford to spend a little  more to make that a round 50 bill to have setup the systems to properly integrate the billing and provide support.

Well, this has been fun. Waiting on hold and typing into this blog has kept me from doing other work. I know no one will read this and it won't make any difference but there's a part of me that wishes I had some voice and that someone was listening.

Oddities of Prayer

Usually, I forget to pray.  I'm busy and thinking about all the stuff of the day. But recently, I've been focusing on God being with me and contemplating prayer a lot. Which has led me to some remarkable thoughts which I will share with you.

First, you must understand that I fully accept God's awesomeness -- his omnipotence, and sovereignty. He can do anything he wants and as I think further about this, it occurs to me that there is nothing in the universe that can stop him or prevent him from doing what he wants. He can make things happen by a simple word or thought -- really big things too!  I guess he has to be careful :)

Without us, every thought he has would be turned into action; every thing he wills would happen. With us, he has granted us free will. By that, he has limited himself (much like he did when Jesus became a human) to yield control over some aspects of this universe to us. Otherwise, we would have no free will.  In order for me to do what is contrary to his will, he must limit himself to allow that. Otherwise, he will thwart my actions because he has the capacity and since his thoughts are contrary to mine, his way will happen - he can do anything.

On the other hand, I find it remarkable that he would yield to us creatures. Free will is a gift from God -- something he must willfully accomplish. If he doesn't stop himself, we would have no free will.  I would find it pretty painful to be God. How can he let us do all the really stupid things we do? Remarkable.

Secondly, and along those lines, sometimes I get tied up in my prayers -- sort of paint myself into a corner.  It goes like this: God, you invite us to pray to you; you are both all powerful and all knowing; you know what needs to be done and you have the power to do it; soooo --- why do you want me to pray?

Until recently, I accepted that the primary purpose for prayer is to change me. In prayer, I acknowledge that this is his universe and he gets to decide what to do - not me. I need constant reminder of this because it hasn't (even after over 50 years) sunk in yet that he is God and my King.  I need to re-align my goals, needs, desires, will to his. I can pray for things but in the end, he will decide what is right.  So, prayer is really a way for me to re-align with this concept.  While I can have huge passion towards a certain way or thing, I need to calm those passions and accept that he will do what is right (best for all). Furthermore, I need to be happy with what he does.

Yet, as important and good as that is a reason to pray, it is dissatisfying; especially when I'm confronted with aspects of the Bible where we are encouraged to pray diligently and the Lord "changed his mind"!  This means there is another aspect of prayer that is not just about me.  But I didn't understand how this works since he is God and all powerful and stuff, he knows what needs to be done and has the capacity to do it so why does he need me?

What I've recently come to think is that God invites us to join him in creation. Admittedly, this is pretty remarkable, unbelievable even. Why would God, whose intelligence and knowledge are far superior to the sum of all humanity, ask me (clearly just a spec in the grand scheme) what I think should be done?  Or, how could I offer God a solution that he hasn't already thought of?

What occurred to me recently is that it's more like God is saying: "yea, we could do it that way". The image in my head is that of a father working with his son on a project. The father knows there are plenty of ways to accomplish the task and may even know that the proposal of the son may not be the best or most efficient way but also knows that it will get the job done. He may even know there are things that he must do beyond the project, unknown to the son even, in order to make this work but he's willing to do that. That's how I've begun to think of my supplications to the Lord. Less of a me bowing before the king and begging him to consider what in my mind is a great solution. Instead, God is near me and we are working shoulder to shoulder. This second way is much more relational and personal.

It is just as remarkable as the idea that he would send his Son to die for my sins.  But this is the God I believe in. As the catechism goes:

Q. 1. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God,[1] and to enjoy him forever.[2]

Truly there are marvels (oddities) of God that we will spend the rest of eternity learning and getting to know.

What? I'm starting to sound like an old person!

The company I work for has graciously given me stock RSU's and a 401K.  These were given to me, no doubt, in order to heighten my level of loyalty and make me feel good about the company.  After all, they are not obligated in any way and, indeed, I never asked for the RSU (I did expect there to be a 401K since every company has one these days).

Clearly, administering RSU's and 401K's falls outside the core competency of a High Tech company so they outsourced these to Charles Schwab.

Now, I digress.  During my lifetime, technology has "evolved" rapidly (at least that's the term the enlightened people use).  A long time ago (20-30 years), if you wanted to do something with a company, the best option was to call them and someone would eventually help you. Usually, they'd send a form in the mail and you could either send it back via the mail or, sometimes use this new thing called a FAX machine!  Oh, and by 'mail' I mean postal mail - letters, envelopes, old school stuff. Think in terms of transactions like this taking weeks.

With the advent of the web, the new mode is to go to their website, snoop around for a while and try to find a way to do what you want. Most of the time, you can do your business instantly (assuming you find out how).

I prefer this new method because its faster and because I get irritated easily and it's socially acceptable to yell at the computer screen but not so much in regards to real people.  Yet, the "evolution" of technology has enabled new complexities so that finding what you need and actually doing it have become enormously frustrating.  This is due to several things such as inept user interface design, secret disincentives of companies to let you do what you want to do (ever try to cancel cable?), but mostly, the world has become orders of magnitude more complex.  Before the emergence of the computer/web, the paperwork for most common things like buying a house, buying insurance etc were all much reduced compared today.  Today, it seems like any purchase for anything that costs more than $1000 comes with a 10 page legal agreement.

As I watched the computer/web become first the dominant information media and then the primary interface for commerce, I noticed that older people who didn't grow up with computers would be very frustrated with these new forms of interface and moan about just wanting to talk to someone in person.

What does this have to do with my sounding old and my stock grants?  Ok, maybe going off tangent in a conversation is an old persons behavior - damn it, it's happening to me!

Over the past few weeks, I've had a simple task to do: change the beneficiaries on my RSUs.  It has been one dead end after another in trying to find out how to do that. I've tried contacting Schwab (through a chat) and my company (through email).  Schwab says to contact my HR department and my HR department says it can be done on the Schwab.com website. In fact, the answer from HR was so terse it was maddening.  Did the HR lady think I hadn't tried going to Schwab.com?  If I asked for help, was it unreasonable for me to expect her to tell me specifically how, where, what forms to fill out?  My guess is she didn't know or care. She has 100 other equally urgent issues so point me at the web and move on.

Now I find I want to talk to someone in person. Constant back/forth over email can be very inefficient. But talking to a real person may not be possible.  The nearest Schwab branch can deal with the brokerage business but, my guess is they've never dealt with RSU's and probably are no better at searching the Schwab website than I am.

In regards to talking to someone in HR, I suppose that's possible. Before I do that, I need to vent a little and calm myself. Ok, done and done.

Have a nice day.