Was contemplating today how much of my anxiety in life (which is also a good thing because it motivates me -- propels me even -- to be better) is due to the idea that I don't believe I meet other people's expectations. I'm acutely aware of how much better I could be in virtually every aspect of life.
It struck me that I assume that God is equally aware of and equally disappointed.
But is that really true? What if God were really, truly OK with our performance when we "do our best". What I mean by "best" is really what we are already doing. I don't mean the sort of best we could do if we were at our best. I'm constantly thinking of times when I achieved some level of competence that is above my normal and then I set that as what I expect my normal should be. And I do that in virtually all aspects of life.
Yes, I walk around in a dark, gloomy cloud of uncertainty and insecurity most of the time. I've been like this all my life so it's not surprising or unexpected. And I'm not sad/discouraged/depressed - at least not usually. When I have moments where my head clears the cloud and I'm confident and feel competent, it's a really wonderful thing. Those times do happen and they are not infrequent.
What I realize is that all that introspection and self criticism does not accurately reflect what God actually things of me. In fact, I'm not really sure of what he thinks but if I think about what the Bible says I have to conclude that he does not feel about me the same as I feel about myself. To be more specific, I'd have to say that since he went ahead and gave his son (or another way to say it, he gave up his glory as the king of creation to limit himself to a human body and the subject that body to brutal torture -- all to open the door for us to approach him!) Since he did that and the explanation we get is "For God so loved the world..." wow.
The closest human analogy that I can draw is that of a parent to their young child. Of course we know we could do better than them but somehow we rejoice in even the tiniest little, simple things they do. We get goose bumps when they first utter our name! I mean how ridiculous is that?
What if God feels the same about me? What if he rejoices in those moments where I exceed myself but he is happy/proud of when I just do my normal best - despite that not being as good as it could/should be?
There's a lot more that could be said about this but I'm out of time so I need to go and slog my way through the work before me. It's OK. I'll be OK. God loves me. If I could only keep that thought in my brain....
Somebody please remind me that I wrote this when I'm back in the darkness.
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